Boise AIDS Walk: A look into the inaugural event of the year

by Ezikiel Coy

The Boise AIDS Walk was the first of its kind in Idaho. Not only was it successful, but the organizer of the event had never done something of this magnitude. Against tall odds and tight deadlines, he was able to overcome and start a new yearly event highlighting the spirit of Idahoans; to care about each other, and to survive great obstacles. I interviewed Jerry Nabarrete-Stuart to better understand the effort and passion that goes into creating a charity benefit. Looking deeper into the world of charity benefits, I found that this was the first family friendly charity to take place for the benefit of those living with HIV/AIDS.

The Imperial Sovereign Gem Court of Idaho has three charities that they support through their various bar and benefit organization: The Jimmy Moore Fund, The Jerry Swett Fund, and P&P Food Pantry. According to the official by lines, the organizations provide fund for medical care, living expenses and travel, and food for people who live with AIDS. Because of the resounding success of benefits throughout the year, the funds are available to many local Idahoans who desperately need them in order to maintain their health and home. The Boise AIDS Walk raised over $1400.00 for these programs with the help of the Imperial Sovereign Gem Court of Idaho, Allies Linked for the Prevention of HIV and AIDS (A.L.P.H.A), and Centro de Communidad y Justica (CCJ). All of these 501(c)(3) organizations contributed to putting together the nearly $600.00 required in fees, license, insurance, and paperwork necessary to see an event such as this take place.

Like many great ideas, this event was born from a very personal moment. When asked about his motivation to give back to the HIV/AIDS positive people of Idaho, Jerry said that, “seeing there was a need to help those living with HIV/AIDS, and teaming up with the gem court provided an amazing opportunity.” I pressed a bit harder, because I could feel that there was a deeper need to help others hiding underneath his humble exterior.

“Just having a close friend that is going through this daily, and recognizing need that we still need awareness for this, while at the same time helping those living with this. It not only affects those with it but the entire community. We are all a family that needs support from one another. It’s important to let them and the community know that there is a support network and there are those that do want to help.” – Jerry Nabarrete-Stuart

I have no doubt that we all know at least one HIV+ person. Understanding that there are those in our community still afraid to reach out and find a caring soul to connect with because of the stigma and prejudice behind our assumption of what it means to be positive. A wonderful side effect of this event is that it wasn’t just hidden away in a bar, or surrounded by the usual bar-going crowd. This was the first family friendly HIV/AIDS benefit to take place in Boise. Conversations of what it means to be positive were being had around another generation of people who will grow up and realize, just as the organizer of the event said, “everyone should be loved despite being positive or not.”

That is a powerful message that the future Boise AIDS Walk will continue to bring to the warm light of day. Luckily, with the support of the Flying M Coffee House, The I.S.G.C.I., A.L.P.H.A., and CCJ, the future events should be bigger and even less expensive to produce so that more awareness gets to help those in our community who are struggling, and suffering. They are all organizations that hope to make the world a more open, inviting, understanding place where those who need help from the community can get it without judgement or fear of repercussion.

Next year’s Boise AIDS Walk is planned for the Saturday before Pride, but don’t let that long timeline fool you. People are working hard year round to make sure that the issues facing the gay community are not swept under the rug. If you’re looking to volunteer your time and energy into a great cause, getting in contact with any of the organizations below can make a huge difference in so many lives. All of their websites are provided for our readers. We invite each one of you to reach out and help our local community to become a better place for all.

For more information about the three charity funds, including application information, please visit the ISGCI website: http://idahogemcourt.org

Information about A.L.P.H.A. and their HIV testing services can be found here: http://www.alphaidaho.org

CCJ and their mission can be better understood at their website: http://www.comunidadyjusticiaidaho.org

More than Politics: The struggle to “add the words” in Idaho

by James Tidmarsh

 

If you are gay, bisexual or transgender in Idaho, sadly, silence often plays a big part of your daily routine. You carefully weigh every decision to reveal your sexual orientation or gender identity to your neighbors, co-workers and sometimes even your friends and family, especially if you live in a more rural area. With recent court rulings allowing for same-sex marriage and dating apps like Grindr, it’s sometimes easy to forget that, in many parts of Idaho, you could still be legally fired from your job, be denied housing or be refused service in a restaurant simply for being who you are. Sometimes those very real dangers create stifling closets of silence on their own.

For over ten years now several organizations in Idaho have been working to change that. From collecting stories of individuals who have been fired or faced other discrimination based upon their gender identity or sexual orientation to petitioning state lawmakers to amend Idaho’s Human Rights Act, the movement began to gain public attention in 2011 with the founding of Add the Words, Idaho.

After years of lawmakers denying the very existence of the toxic environment such discrimination has created in Idaho, a group of individuals posted sticky notes on the Senate State Affairs Committee doors asking the Chairman to allow a public hearing on the bill to add the words “sexual orientation and gender identity” to the act. The following year, thousands of sticky notes poured in from across the state. Add the Words leaders posted the notes around the capital in hopes that lawmakers would finally end their silence on the harm being committed in towns and cities across the state. Rallies and vigils were held across the state. Most lawmakers refused to even acknowledge the pleas, let alone the problem itself.

At the start of the 2014 legislative session, following a rash of incidents that included crimes targeting the gay and transgender community as well as a handful of recent suicides, a group of individuals calling themselves “Add the Four Words” arrived at the capital with the intent of forcing lawmakers to deal with the growing problem. Led by Idaho’s first openly gay lawmaker, Nicole LeFavour, the group of forty-four individuals stood peacefully and silent in front of the Senate chamber doors with the expectation that lawmakers would take up the amendment. Instead the group, many of whom were straight allies consisting of grandparents, parents, teachers and clergy members, were arrested by the Idaho state police.

By the end of the session over 200 arrests had taken place, with lawmakers continuing their refusal to acknowledge the problem. Later that spring, a full length feature film detailing the history of the movement, as well as the arrests, premiered in Boise. The independently produced Add the Words-A Documentary Film continues to screen across the state and country as an example of not only the plight of gay and transgender individuals but also of the power of organizing in order to make a difference.

Finally, in January of 2015, due to the arrests and the negative publicity Idaho had received resulting from the actions, the ultra-conservative House State Affairs committee agreed to hear from the community and to consider the legislation. Hundreds of people testified during the three day hearing, the majority supporting the legislation. Unfortunately, while moved by the stories they heard, Republican committee members voted party line to keep the bill in committee, killing the bill.

Even though the bill was defeated, Idaho lawmakers were forced to acknowledge the reality of the harm being done to the state’s gay and transgender population, something they had never done before. As the session continued organizers continued to work with lawmakers hoping for some sort of compromise that would revive the legislation. By February it was clear that lawmakers had no intention to deal with the issue again and Add the Four Words activists returned to the capital. As the 2015 legislative session drew to a close, state leaders chose to have the group arrested on three more occasions, rather than offer a solution to the stories they had heard earlier in the year.

So far 11 Idaho cities have passed ordinances that prohibit discrimination against gay and transgender citizens, however almost 70 percent of the state remains unprotected, especially in the rural areas Idaho is so famous for. The organizations working on the “Add the Words” bill say they aren’t giving up. As one Add the Four Words activist notes, “The conversation isn’t about bakers or wedding planners. This is about hundreds or people across the state living in silence and in fear. Adding the Words is about telling young people Idaho values their presence, it’s about telling trans people that it’s ok to leave their houses and to go to the grocery store, it’s about telling gay people that it’s ok to talk about their boyfriend or girlfriend at work. This is about our lives.”

To get involved in the Add the Words movement visit www.addthewords.org.

You can learn more about screening the documentary film or purchase a copy of your own at http://www.addthewordsmovie.com.

To help out with the Add the Four Words legal defense fund or to learn more about the direct actions you can visit www.addthe4wordsidaho.org.

Trans Idaho

By Dianne Piggott

Boise Pridefest 2015 is here. I can’t help but think about how things are now for transgender people and how things used to be. In 1997 I started trying to understand how it was that this “gender buzz” in my head would never go away. How come I would put on women’s clothes and look in a mirror and feel like that person, that woman in the mirror was the real me? And why did she have a Mona Lisa smile. What did she know?

Dial up modems and Netscape helped me find information and helped me see that there were other people like me, and there were options, that there was some vague kind of hope. But the people all seemed to be far away and in big cities like Portland and Seattle and San Francisco. I needed to find people like me in person, face to face. I saw listings of a group in Boise, but emails bounced and the phone number had been disconnected. Well, I thought, I’ll put an ad in the Boise Weekly and see if I find anybody! Before then I had met only one transsexual, when I was 19, and I was so deeply closeted and confused that I never said a thing to her.

Amazingly, that ad brought results. There were other people like me! A few of us trans gals would get together on Saturdays and chat and then go to the Emerald Club afterwards. The legendary Mary Kelly owned the place and we would watch the drag shows and go home reeking of cigarette smoke. It was a safe place and we had some small community. It gave me courage and I learned a lot, but the rest of Boise was not so encouraging. Well, except for the Flying M. But there was scant other support in the area as a far as therapists or doctors for hormones. And most all of the trans people I knew lived in stealth, under cover out of a caution borne of necessity.

I finally left Boise and went to Seattle to transition. I met more people there and started going to the Ingersoll Gender Center meetings. There was more community but there was a lot of marginalization and suffering, everyone seemed to be struggling so hard. There was a hierarchy in the trans community that divided the “true transsexuals” from the “heterosexual crossdressers.” You were judged based on your being pre or post-operative, based on how well you passed, even based on how long and how deeply you had suffered. It was stressful.

And the outside world, the general public, still had no idea what to do with us or how to treat us. After almost two years of trying to go full time, trying to transition, trying to make enough to live, I gave up and left. I felt like fate had shown me that I wasn’t “worthy” or trans enough. I was confused and I wasn’t ready, and the world wasn’t ready. I came back to Boise and hid in denial for 12 more years.

Funny thing, It didn’t go away. After twelve years I was still transgender. The pain and aching frustration hadn’t gone away. I still knew I had something to deal with and I hoped that things had changed. I popped my head up again and looked for community. And I almost cried with what I found! This time there were many other trans people in Boise! I found helpful and supportive transgender people who had found their way and made their lives work. I found Emilie Jackson- Edney and the people in the Tri States group. I found the wonderful Moms and the amazing, inspiring young people in the FATE group, I found PFLAG, and I found a vibrant and inclusive LGBT community. There were therapists and doctors in Boise who knew how to help trans women and trans men move forward in healthy ways. I hadn’t just found the light at the end of the tunnel, I had found the dawn of hope!

Now this bright hope still had a huge number of very dark corners and pot holes and dank swampy bits. I knew that transitioning put everything in my life at risk. I could be fired from my job and experience dismissive discrimination while finding another one, I could lose all my family and friends, I could be marginalized and rejected in so many ways and in so many places, but I knew I would have strong supportive LGBT people around me who understood. And that made all the difference. That gave me courage to stand up for who I really was. It gave me courage to go to the testimony for the Boise nondiscrimination ordinance just days after I had transitioned at my job of 14 years. And when a picture with me showed up in the Statesman and people at work mentioned it I had courage and pride. I also found the courage to go back to college so I could prepare myself to help my community professionally. Because there is a lot to do and a lot to fix. If you are reading this then you already know that truth.

One other thing that this shared courage of community gave me was conviction. When the 2014 Idaho legislative session began people started organizing to get the Add the Words issue onto the agenda. Once it was clear that the legislature did not intend to discuss the matter of adding the words “sexual orientation” or “gender identity” to the state’s existing Human Rights Act, I knew that I needed to contribute my presence towards a resolution. I participated in the civil disobedience shoulder to shoulder with my trans, lesbian, bi and gay community members and the incredible allies that came together to push our government for redress of this long standing grievance. And in 2015 we told them our stories. Let’s hope that in 2016 they listen and act. It was hard to hear the testimony and not cry, but we supported each other and helped each other regain strength and hope.

So here we are in 2015. For trans people, we are in a time of unprecedented visibility. People are seeing more of us and hearing more of our stories, and this helps tremendously. Laverne Cox has been on the cover of Time magazine and Janet Mock was interviewed by Oprah. And, for better or worse, Bruce Jenner has become a household word again because of Jenner’s impending transition. President Obama became the first president to use the word “transgender” in a State of the Union Address.

And the majority of the numerous anti-trans bills that various state legislatures have tried to push have been defeated because people have stood up and fought back. The Idaho legislature didn’t even try any of these restrictive discriminatory trans busting bills because they knew that there were people already in place and ready to push back. But we better stay ready next session. We’ve seen marriage equality in Idaho come to stay, and that affects trans people just as much as lesbian and gay people. There is a network of trans people forming, with the help of the ACLU of Idaho, to help people throughout the state come together and share ideas and concerns. Because even though things are better for trans people than they have ever been, they aren’t nearly as good as they will become. Let’s be proud!
www.ACLUofIdaho.org Jess McCafferty and the Trans Idaho Network
www.fairisfairidaho.org Idaho specific transgender information
www.tccidaho.org/we-are-family/ Tri States Transgender, Families Advocating Transgender Equality (FATE), and PFLAG of the Treasure Valley contact information
www.addthewords.org The Add the Words movement.

A look back at Pride in Boise

by Gary Simpson

We’re quickly approaching the 25th anniversary of LGBT Pride in Boise. With that in mind, we felt it important to recognize the history surrounding the Pride festival, and LGBT Culture in the Treasure Valley, and the entire state of Idaho.

On May 24,1981 Metropolitan Community Church organized the first gay rally on the Statehouse steps to protest Jerry Falwell. Around 200 people attended. On August 25, 1985, MCC hosted a picnic in Municipal Park, representing a coming out for Boise’s gay community. It was the first open event for Boise gays. It was held during the first AIDS Awareness Week. The church also raised over $1,200 to fight AIDS with a telephone pledge line.

The first “Gay and Lesbian Freedom Day” occurred in 1990 in Boise. The festival was organized by Your Family, Friends, and Neighbors, Inc. an organization formed January the same year with the original purpose of putting on the now traditional Pride Parade and Rally.

Many of the volunteers who joined the organization and took part in putting together this celebration chose not to disclose their names in the very first “Pride Guide,” for fear of persecution and losing their jobs. Additionally, many members of YFFN didn’t list their names in the list of Members for several years either, for the same fear.

The first celebration lasted a single day, and included entertainment from Romanovsky and Phillips, a gay singing duo, Ron Romanovsky and Paul Phillips. They are best known for their original recordings and live performances featuring songs combining humor with poignant observations about the lives of gay men (and to a lesser extent, lesbian women) in contemporary American society. This duo made appearances at several of the first years of Pride in Boise.

HERE, you can see Boise’s very first Pride Celebration’s “Pride Guide.” The guide included information about the first celebration, Parade Etiquette, as well as an LGBT dictionary, to educate people on well-known terms referring to LGBT culture.

Over 350 people attended the very first celebration; however, many elected not to attend the parade and rally, out of fear of persecution. Many in attendance wore masks to hide their identities, and there were threats of being shot in the streets.

By 1991, the celebration grew even further, moving from their original location at the bandshell at Julia Davis Park, down to the Grove, which became the prime location for Pride for many years, before eventually relocating to Ann Morrison Park.

In 1997 Ellen Degeneres came out publicly on her sitcom. Several Idaho TV stations refused to air the episode. It gave the nation a new perspective on LGBT culture and LGBT rights.

Dallas Chase, a local lesbian activist, received national recognition, the same year, appearing in a national magazine wearing nothing but bubbles.

Also, James Du Toit became the first openly gay person to run for Boise City Council the same year. He was defeated by his opponent, Jerome Mapp.

Also in ‘97, Boise State University passed a resolution to add “sexual orientation” to their anti-discrimantion statement.

Check out the 2nd edition of Boise’s Pride Guide, HERE

Boise Pride, Inc took over the Pride celebration in 2010, and ran the celebration for several years, and Boise Pridefest, managed by Rodney Busbee, took the helm in 2014.

The Pride celebration has taken on many different forms over the years, and while each organization has brought its own brand to the celebration, they’ve continuously carried the same mission.

Doug Flanders, a.k.a. Martini and Bobby Horton, a.k.a. Victoria have attended Pride since its inception, and also helped organize Pride as part of YFFN for many years. In 1997, they founded Lips Inc, a local female impersonation show, and have been a main part of Pride celebrations since then. This year, Lips Inc will celebrate their 18th anniversary during Pride Week.

When asked about Pride, its celebrations, and how the community has responded over the years, they both echoed words of positivity. Pride, to both of them has been important, and they are both proud to be a part of the festivities.

As we move into our 25th year of Pride, we wanted to take a look back at some highlights of previous celebrations, and look back at some of the not-so-supportive people, as well.

Thanks to Boise State University’s Albertson Library, and their Archives, we got the chance to find some photos.

Photos and scans included in this feature, courtesy “Collection on Gay Life in Boise, Idaho. Boise State University Special Collections and Archives.”

You can check out the collection at the Albertsons Library at BSU.

– See you at Pride!!!

 

I am Tim

My name is Tim Trantham. I am the single parent to DW Trantham, a 13-year-old male to female transgender activist. This is my story of change for the visitors of One Million Kids for Equality.

First off, I will tell you that DW was born a girl. She did not at any time like boy toys or clothes. I assumed, early on, that her female tendencies meant she was gay. At that time, I was so unaware of even the term “transgender”.

DW’s mother and I had another baby when DW was very young. Our second baby was still-born at full term. DW’s mother could never recover from this. This eventually caused the end of our marriage. It led to her crawling into a brown bottle, which she has still not climbed out of.

DW and I were apart from Easter to Fathers’ Day that year. At that point, I moved to Idaho to be with her. Within the next few years, a friend of DW’s showed her a story about “transgender people”. This changed her forever. Now, she knew who she was and that she was not alone. To be honest, I was so mad at that lady for sharing this story with my child without my permission.

The girl clothes and make-up started showing up, as well as several Barbie dolls. I tried to put a stop to all of this! “You are a boy and by God, you will act like it” was my mantra at the time. I would go to DW’s mother’s house and clean it out. I would throw away girly clothes and make-up. I went so far as to gather up all of the Barbies and burn them in the fire pit. All these things kept coming back!

Around the time DW started 5th grade, the relationship between her and her mother fell apart. I moved DW into my home full-time. She was so happy to be with me at first, but when the school I put her in made her cut off her hair and wear boys uniforms, she was devastated. Me, I thought that this may be what she needed to finally stop all of this girly stuff. I did not allow this in my home!

DW soon became very depressed. I started finding things saying, “I want to die” written in notebooks and on little pieces of paper around the house. We were no longer very close.

Counseling, I thought! That will fix everything. It did not “fix” DW. That’s probably because she did not need to be fixed. I did! Her counselor called and told me that DW had gender dysphoria. “You people must be joking,” I told them. The counselor recommended drugs for DW to help with her depression. I kind of thought that I was the one who needed “drugs” at this point.

About the same time, I was injured on my construction job and put on office duty. One day, out of boredom and curiosity, I did the unthinkable. I typed “transgender” into the search box and went surfing. What I found changed my life permanently. Suicide statistics slapped me in the face. Prejudice and discrimination kicked me in the groin. I spent the next few days in recovery from that Google search and a lot of time in self-reflection, as well.

Then, I began my own transformation. I realized it was time for me to change, change and save my child! I made BIG changes. I got a new job and we moved to Boise.

I gave DW the acceptance for which she had been searching. I told her, “You are my daughter and I love you for who you are.” Then, the unthinkable, I went shopping for make-up and girl clothes.

Sixth grade, I asked for a meeting with the principal and counselor. I told them DW would be entering school as a girl. Only they knew our secret. This was DW’s best year in school so far. She was living as she was meant to be, but one day DW decided the secrecy was not for her. She wanted to make a difference for others like herself. Just before the end of her 6th grade year, I got a phone call from a television news reporter, Lauren Johnson.

Lauren works for Today’s 6 and Fox 9 here in Boise. DW took it upon herself to send an email saying she wanted to come clean, to tell her story. This was “news to me” I told Lauren, but after a 30 minute conversation with her, I was reassured that our story would be told with heart and utmost compassion. It was! It took three months before our story aired. Lauren and her news director, Grendel Levy, jumped through hoops to get the story on the air.

The concern was for DW’s safety. Being in a super conservative state, the station was unsure of the sentiment of the viewers and didn’t want to put my daughter in harm’s way. Eventually though, Lauren and Grendel told our transgender story to viewers, but it was shown just two weeks before the start of DW’s first day in junior high. That fact almost caused me to have them pull the story altogether.

DW and I talked about how this might paint her as a target for bullying, but DW was adamant, “I must do this!” So our story was told. It became the 8th most popular story of the year, even in an election year, and the reaction was overwhelmingly positive. Because of the story,many people reached out to us. What we learned from many of them caused yet an other change for Dw. and I.

We found out that the state of Idaho was one of the 19 or so states that have legal protections for religion, but have no protections for the LGBT community. In this state a person can be fired, evicted or refused services for being LGBT. The ADD THE WORDS campaign organized 10 ten years ago in an effort to get these protections.

Trying to get 4 words added to the states human rights act. SEXUAL ORIENTATION and GENDER IDENTITY are the words that need to be added to get protections for my daughter. When we found out that a house bill HB-2 was given an open hearing Dw. and I jumped at the chance to give are testimony, along with many other people both for and against the bill. When Dw testified Tears filled my eyes as well as the eyes of most of the others in the seats at that hearing.

She nailed it. I had to follow her story with my own. I wiped the tears from my eyes, stepped up to the podium and told my story of change to the committee members. I told them that if a man like me can come from burning Barbies to buying bras then certainly a group of highly educated, publicly elected officials should also be able to make a change. I was so wrong, the bill was killed in that committee. I also told them if it did not pas that we would be back and we will.

Shortly after that the bullying for Dw. increased at school. I thought some thing must be done about that problem as well. My pleas to the school brought little if any change to the bullying. When an other house bill called HB 246 came up for a hearing Dw, and I again jumped at the chance to bring about change.

We jumped in to this effort with every thing we had. We rallied, marched and again testified. We stayed on top of it the whole way. I missed many days of work and Dw missed some school as well. I lost my job, her grades suffered. I am proud to say that this bill is on the Governor’s desk. We along with others that fought so hard for it will be in the Governor’s office when he signs it into law some time this week. Change can happen.

One last change I want to tell you about. We fought for the right for my daughter to use the bathroom of her gender identity. I was ready to sue when the school board finally gave in and Dw and I won that fight, but only in one school district. Now is the time when we will fight for that right to be given to all transgender people every where in our nation. Join us, together we can make a change.

Finding Grace in Spite of Grief

by Carmen Stanger
Suffering the loss of my daughter caused me to be faced with the most perplexing challenge any parent could have never imagined. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next moment, let alone the rest of my days, living through the black blanket of grief that had inevitably overtaken my existence. It seemed that just as the pain of the initial shock would begin to lessen, there would be another shock wave I had to endure.

My daily mantra became, “OMG, here’s another moment I have to get through. But all I have to do is get through. There will come another moment and this one will be gone!” Sometimes it was that harsh and that simple, all at the same time. The aftershocks came and went in unpredictable intervals, and they still do. Losing a child to suicide seems to be the most difficult, painful and shocking experience in existence and I don’t wish it on anyone. Those adjectives don’t even begin to describe it.

Some of those painful moments have been completely unbearable. There have been times when they were more than I could possibly handle on my own. As I look back on the past year, 2 months and 2 days since Maddie passed away, I can clearly see where I have been blessed with certain friends and loved ones who have appeared before me and who were undoubtedly given to me as blessings to help carry me through those excruciating moments.

In the very beginning, it began with a stranger reaching out to lend his love and support to me through a community based LGBTQ Youth organization. As it turns out, it was Tom Nestor, and he wasn’t that much of a stranger. Many common connections strengthened our bond when I reached out and took a hold of his outreached hand. Since Maddie was openly gay, I needed the comfort as support of an understanding ally. It was provided to me in the right moment, in the right hour of desperation for me and he was undoubtedly guided to find me by my “Angel Warrior”. I call her my Angel Warrior because it was unmistakably pointed out to me that Maddie did not like being identified as an “Angel” that she was no “Angel”.

However, all mothers see their child as an angel, especially one they have lost in the physical world. So I couldn’t let go of that attachment. But, she did have a huge love of super heroes, especially Batman and Superman; therefore this made perfect sense when it was pointed out to me, so from now on I refer to hear as my “Angel Warrior” as she truly is fighting along beside me to bring the heavens and earth closer together. When Tom reached out to me, it enabled me to find the strength and courage to bring that super hero “Angel Warrior” to light and begin my crusade to make a difference in memory of my daughter, Maddie, or “Turbo” as she was often called because of her “all in” and courageous attitude.

The next stranger to reach out to me was another “Angel Mom” who had lost her gay son in very much the same fashion. Her name is Julie Zicha and she lost her son, Ryan, before I lost Maddie. Our lives were so very similar in so many ways and many life experiences she and I have both been through were mirrored back at me.

Our Angel Warriors had no doubt put us together to work together, and the work began immediately. We were immediately traveling in the same destination, our paths parallel, our journey now one in the same. The friendship we have developed is on such a plane that we are often on the same energy wave, and will call or text each other with the same thought, at the same moment, and say the same thing at the same time, or finish each other’s sentences. It’s an amazing spiritual connection introduced and orchestrated my two very amazing souls. Once again, this happened at a moment where I was feeling the darkest recesses of my soul trying to overtake the small amount of love and light I had left. The timing is something I cannot explain, but the timing was perfect, nonetheless.

This was a turning point for me. This is when I decided I was going to “spite” my grief. I made a clear and conscious decision that I was not going to allow that darkness to overtake me. No matter how much pain I endure, no matter how frustrated and hurt I am because I have lost my daughter in the physical realm, no matter how much guilt tries to betray grace in my heart, I will not allow those dark shadows to steal my light. There is only one way it can happen, and that is if I allow it. I decided I could not allow it. I would not allow it. The reasoning is even more than what I have previously shared with you. I’m about to tell you why….

The why is this: Almost immediately upon losing Maddie, I had child after child, student after student, parents and relatives of kids in crisis, reach out to me with their words of support and encouragement, but even with their own pleas and cries for help. Especially LGBTQ youth who have suffered constantly from bullying, discrimination, family and peer, as well as teacher rejection, teenage homelessness, mental health care issues and an overall attitude of hate and intolerance in their communities throughout the state of Idaho.

LGBTQ youth have an increased risk of victimization within the community in general and by their own family and need to be shown love, support, acceptance and tolerance. The number of those reaching out was into the dozens, and quickly went from the dozens into the hundreds.

It seemed that Maddie’s loss had caused other youth to realize how desperate they had become in their own situation, and to call out for help. What a tremendous miracle was presented to me in all of that! It became a wonderful and insightful purpose for me to positively direct my attention in the hopes of making a difference in Maddie’s memory. In response to this crisis, I founded and created an organization which is committed to offering resources to youth, especially LGBTQ, throughout the State of Idaho who are faced with these travesties. Hence, Maddie’s Difference was born.

I also attended the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk for the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) that was held in Seattle in June of 2014. This new major life’s change I was forced to confront was now just beginning for me. I had to begin to learn how to live life without the prospect of my daughter being beside me every day, so this was one of the first steps to help me begin that journey.

You are welcome to read about that journey here: http://www.maddiesdifference.com/out-of-the-darkness.html. It was truly that transformational experience I was seeking. I walked 18 hours all night long, in the dark and ultimately walked out of the darkness into the light. I realized my goal and purpose was to offer strength and hope to anyone, anywhere who needed it. At that moment I became committed to helping other survivors in the state complete their goal in establishing an Idaho Chapter for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Idaho is currently #6 in the nation for suicide. This is a race we don’t want to win, so those working with the AFSP are committed to reducing suicide nationwide 20% by the year 2025. (http://www.afsp.org/understanding-suicide/facts-and-figures). The Idaho Chapter in Formation has been involved with the International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day by promoting documentaries that promote love, healing and hope for survivors. (http://www.survivorday.org/survivor-day-documentaries/) and has also traveled to communities throughout the state increasing awareness of teen suicide with their More Than Sad educational program.

There are many people committed to suicide prevention who want to make a difference in our state and want to see to it that Idaho has its charter with the AFSP by December of 2015. This includes establishing its Executive Committee Members and developing community and statewide partnerships to ensure its success.

Many people have worked diligently toward achieving that goal, and are continuing to work hard to make it come to fruition. The Idaho AFSP Chapter in Formation is also sponsoring two major events throughout the state: A Campus Walk and a Community Walk. The Campus walk takes place on May 23 and the Community Walk on October 17. Volunteers are always needed and welcomed, and of course participants and donors. If you are interested, visit the AFSP FaceBook page at https://www.facebook.com/AFSPIdaho?fref=ts and click on the events tab for additional information.

The payoff for establishing Maddie’s Difference and for becoming involved with the AFSP Idaho Chapter in Formation has already been so much more than gratifying! Last weekend I attended an event in Pocatello representing both organizations. There was a young lady who reached out for help. A tremendous physical, spiritual and emotional change began to take place when she received that help through both Maddie’s Difference and the AFSP Idaho Chapter in Formation when she began to believe in herself and recognize that she had value and worth in her community.

It’s those moments that help carry me through the grieving process. It’s those moments that make it so moving forward is always better than dwelling on the past and those missed moments that I will never have the opportunity to cherish with my daughter. It’s in those moments I can find joy and grace and empowerment to move forward and continue on with this journey. It’s those moments that give me the strength, the will, the persistence and the drive to stay motivated.

Nothing and no one can replace the child I will miss for the rest of my days. But something as wonderful as helping other children in such a manner definitely helps take the sting out of the bite.

MPowermentBOI

by Tyler Fisher

Hi there. My name is Tyler and I’m the project coordinator for Mpowerment here in Boise. Though the project has been in Boise for over three years our purpose and mission is still not well known and I’d like to quickly tell you about us. We’re here to build community and improve it’s health.

We’re a not for profit organization that is for and lead by gay, bi, and curious men ages 18 to 29. Those ages may seem arbitrary but this is the demographic that has been shown to benefit from this type of programming. Here are a few ways we try to accomplish our goals:

Create a safe space – We have an adorable house in West Downtown for our project space. It’s homey and comfortable. This is a judgment free place where our participants can be themselves.

Social events – For anybody to become friends they have to have a reason to get together. We have weekly coffee gatherings, monthly workshops, hangouts, movie nights, barbecues, gardening days, and more. We also throw large events each year for the greater community to get to see who we are.

Healthy relationships – We build relationships by being and working together. The project builds a strong base where gay, bi, and curious men 18 to 29 learn to depend on each other and make change.

Healthy sex – We promote a sex positive environment where we can talk openly about what makes us all human which is having sex and the need for intimacy. We actively and strongly discourage any sort of sex or HIV status shaming. We also work at keeping our participants up to date on the most current and real world safer sex practices with access to unlimited supplies of condoms and lube.

Real world support – We’re also here to help the best we can in the things our participants need to be a healthy people such as signing up for health insurance signing up for health insurance or finding a job.

There you have it. A quick rundown of what makes us special here at MpowermentBOI. Keep up to date with what we’re doing at facebook.com/mpowermentboi.

How To: Adopt a Child

by Jessy Forsmo- Shadid

There are many ways that a person can start a family of their own. Choosing which way to make that family on the other hand is the harder part. Here are some tips on how to adopt a child of your own.

Be sure and be excited.

Closet of the Beast

by Ezikiel Coy

He sat across from me in the comfort of my home. I had just made coffee and set up a small workstation out of a TV tray, and had my computer playing Pandora quietly to help make my living room more inviting. After exchanging pleasantries and getting us each a cup of coffee, I sat down across from him with my computer off to the side. I reminded him that we wouldn’t be publishing his name, or any information that I felt could compromise his identity. He smiled, and took a sip from his coffee, and said “I’ve always liked the name Mike, you can call me that.” Mike is 37, divorced just last year, and the father of two young women.

For many of us in Idaho, being openly gay is still potentially social or professional suicide. While the numbers of men or women who aren’t openly gay are unknown, it is important for the pioneers of sexual orientation equality to understand the phobias and anxieties that come with hiding who you are. Mike had been in the closet for years, and he has been a friend of mine for only a short period of time. Since his divorce, he hasn’t spent much time with his two daughters because they live with their mother out of state. Coming out of the closet has turned his life upside down for the last two years. He didn’t so much choose to sit his wife down and tell her, it was more of an accident.

Like many closeted men, Mike would find outlets for his sexual identity. Usually, this would be short hook-ups, though he did tell me that for a while he had a boyfriend outside of his marriage but it was too difficult to be a family man, work full time to provide for his family, and run the risk of having a second relationship so he ended it. When asked about his daughters, Mike choked back tears and clutched his coffee cup.

It’s a touchy subject, but especially with the prevalence of bills such as marriage amendments and Add the Words, it’s important for people to know clearly why our community is fighting to get the right to exist as we were born. I have been hearing a lot about Don Dew and his experience with disability and sexual orientation discrimination while applying for a state job. Clearly, there are still many hurdles to overcome as we progress into the 21st century. Mike’s situation is made even worse because he thought that without being “normal,” he would never be able to have the family he always wanted. Now, his entire family is all but lost to him because he was living a life that started out with lies as a foundation.

His father was “a good old boy,” as he puts it. An old school conservative and a devout Christian, he never wanted his father to find out just how different they were. “He would never accept me if I told him. He still doesn’t know.” He sips his coffee.

In Idaho, it is still possible for homosexuals to be discriminated against by their employers. The Add the Words campaign has worked tirelessly to add sexual and gender identity to the Idaho human rights bill, but so far in vain. One aspect of this struggle is deeply influenced by closeted homosexual and transgendered individuals. Without the highest number of people actively supporting social movements such as the Add the Words campaign there is no hope that such legislation will pass. Without the incentive of safety and community to support individuals it is also unlikely that they will come forward with their sexual identity. On the flip side of that as well, legislation shows the public what acceptable behavior is.

It fascinates me to see this dynamic persevere so prevalently in todays culture, when our gay forefathers have suffered and died in order to achieve for us a relegated second class status within this country. Without the state recognizing the humanity and civil rights of the LGBTQ community, what incentive does that general population have to treat us as equals? How are we supposed to be perceived as human beings if we are consistently being denied the same rights as others within our own state? Thus, a vicious cycle begins where pioneers such as the drag queens of Stonewall create a movement for tolerance by fighting back against the oppression they have inherited after so many hundreds of thousands suffered in silence, only for the generations after them to not share their bravery and stand openly as gay individuals.

Perhaps this article is about those suffering with their choice to stay in the closet, but more then that it is a call to all of those whose cries were just whispers in the night to join the growing roar. Together we can enact change, but we can’t make the changes necessary without also exposing ourselves to the ignorance of the world around us.

Like Mike, many of the gentlemen that I spoke with had families before coming out. One was still married to his wife, terrified of the possibility that she might find out. Unlike bisexual men and women, who can feel emotional and physical validation of their sexual identity regardless of the gender of their partner, closeted homosexual men have a much higher rate of failure in this type of relationship dynamic. Gay men are not satisfied emotionally with their “straight” marriage, regardless of how much joy they get from their children.

In fact, of all the men that I spoke with who had at some point engaged in a pseudo-hetero marriage, they indicated that above the shame and fear they felt because of their hidden sexual identity they wanted to stay in the closet in order to keep their children.

The fact that such anxieties exist in 2015 is horrifying. While a valid emotional response to paternity wanting to do anything in order to keep your children safe, the fact that these men felt that they had to choose between their children and their own pursuit of happiness is sickening. That’s not including the fact that these men lived daily with the fear and stress of looking over their shoulder, making sure that their lies were being believed. Like being on stage 24/7, these men only found reprieve in the quiet moments when no one else was around.

I spoke with several men who engaged in extra-marital affairs on the “down low” in order to maintain their hetero-normative relationship. While they are not proud of these behaviors, it is nearly paralyzing for them to think of an alternative. In their mind, the blowback and destruction of the lives they care about is a worst case scenario–being openly gay would ruin them professionally or personally- they risk decimating their ability to live happy and productive lives. Being openly gay would be the worst choice they could make because everything they have built in their lives so far requires that they be normal straight men. Being gay would be the worst thing they could do in order to pursue social acceptance and validation.

I guess it’s time for that rant, because this thought pattern is so devastating and so rampant. It ties-in to so many thoughts that I find abhorrent: hetero-normative (Monogamous, male/female) relationships are the only ones that can cause satisfaction, gay life is lesser than straight life, self-respect is less important than the approval of others. The thought that “if I am straight I can have kids, I can be happy, I can’t do that if I’m gay.” While none of these thoughts are accurate, they are socially programmed into people from a young age through subtle and subversive ways. Then, when the child grows into a self-aware adult, these lingering constructs create the anxiety and fear that keeps them hiding their sexuality, what they perceive as a disease or a corruption.

Maybe that is what I took a little too personally. Regardless, I am a much more sympathetic these days, having experienced years of abuse, more than one assault, constant ignorant bullying, and a whole host of other things that this beautiful and accepting state has to offer. I don’t blame them for the fear and anxiety that controls their life. It shames me that in a society as vocal and connected as ours still requires people to hide in the shadows disguising their true selves. Sacrificing their potential for a fulfilling happiness in order to fit within the parameters of social programming can be traumatizing.

Of course, whether or not to come out is a deeply personal choice. Being gay is physio-psychologically not a choice, but making yourself known as part of our family certainly is. I cannot advocate a choice that would put any one person on a path of violence, oppression or misunderstanding. It is a deeply personal choice to stay in/come out of the closet, and not every one has the desire for their life to become a role model to so many others. It is not just a matter of being a pedestal within a community, it is a matter of being true to yourself so that it is possible to achieve all that you deserve in life with the person you love (regardless of their gender or sexual identity) standing by your side.

We do not come out in order to become the pariah, we come out so that we can walk the road with our community as a whole. With every one man that is out and openly gay, there are probably two or three that are being silent. For me, this seems unacceptable when so many more of our youth, who have the courage to come forward about their sexual identity, are being exposed to a world that their elders don’t feel safe enough to embrace as who they are. Here, we aren’t just discussing the fear and anxieties that are preexisting in the closeted population. We’re also discussing the droves of youth that are feeling the isolation and anxiety that has spurred a whole wave of teen suicides.

Mike spoke of the isolation that he felt while he was in the closet. The only thing getting him through the divorce and the pain of not seeing his children for months at a time was the community around him that felt and shared his pain. We are always stronger as a community. Supporting those who are not banner waving activists is just as important as fighting for our rights through legislation and social outreach. Without the openly gay aspect of the community, the riot of Stonewall would be in vain; however, without every closeted person at least speaking up we will never know the true extent of our community. We have a unique obligation to speak openly about who we are as people in all of our different permutations so that those who come after us can share our strength. If your coming out of the closet could save one more gay/transgendered teen from bullying, harassment, assault, or suicide, how could you justify staying in the closet?

 

Eyes on Add the Words

 

By Colin Howard

As I sat in on the historic Add The Words hearing the last week of January, I tried to keep an open mind to the opposition. I really did, because being on the receiving end of closed-mindedness a fair amount of time, I know how crummy that feels. I can honestly say that if a valid argument to not pass this legislation exists, I did not hear it.

Instead, I heard claims that adding these words will open a “Pandora’s Box” if this passed we’ll “impose our beliefs on the majority.” Most infuriating I heard, that we’re the equivalent of “pedophiles, and murderers.” Big difference, there. We’re living as our authentic selves, not committing crimes and inflicting unnecessary harm on others.

Obviously, we know that the 13-4 vote to leave the bill in committee went straight down party lines. There are naysayers who insist they weren’t surprised, that we shouldn’t have expected it to happen any other way. It’s sad, really, to hear such a defeated attitude. In a way, it’s almost more discouraging than those who flat out oppose the bill. The absence of hope verses seeing it squeezed out of someone little by little over the course of a time is easier to digest.

This occurs, I feel, because people who are capable of so much awesome potential and keep stepping up to use it to affect a positive change experience so much continuous oppression from a frightened, ignorant majority who use that fear to inflict way more pain than they accused the LGBT community of inflicting that how can hope possibly continuously thrive?

What’s ironic is that same damaging cycle of abuse is exactly why the human rights act needs to be amended. As long as it’s not, the message that’s out there is that the abuse is acceptable and future generations of Idahoans, whose limitless potential, could do just as much good will be diminished simply because they are born LGBT. The proponents of this bill gave some of the most heartfelt testimonies I’ve ever heard.

I heard stories of sexual assault at the behest of so-called “religious leaders” inflicted on children in an attempt to “straighten them out.” I heard from countless gay and trans individuals who have become some of my dearest friends speak about the fear they live in everyday because of the possibility that exists that they could lose their job, their house and the peace of mind that they can walk down the street and be assaulted without any recourse simply because of who they are. I heard about specific examples of that discrimination in the way of losing a job because colleagues asked personal questions about their LGBT co-workers and after those LGBT members being brave enough to be honest about it, were suddenly let go because it.

I heard the story of a friend who was viciously assaulted and had to watch his other friend get just as viciously assaulted just because both friends were gay. They tried to report it at as hate crime and were denied because a law protecting this isn’t in place. One friend couldn’t live with himself because of the level of trauma. The crime also not being dealt with by members of his government whose job is to advocate for its constituents, so he completed suicide. The message he was getting was that his suffering didn’t matter because he was gay.

When that message garners the result of simply one person taking their lives, it’s time to change the message.

This is why we stand up to this injustice and always will. This is why we fight and won’t stop. These stories matter. Everyone deserves to exist in a world where there’s no question as to whether or not their lives matter. It’s really not about special rights, it’s about human rights we should all be entitled to. These words need to be added. Will they change every hate-filled heart and mind overnight? Of course not, but what a big step in the right direction to work towards that eventual goal? Add the words.